Catching amber fire…

Eleven weeks in and I am ablaze.  For the last few weeks my whole being has been consumed by my work.  It is as though I see through a pair of tinted lenses, my vision glazed with hues of pink and orange flames.  On some days I am shocked at my fierocity as I advocate, the flames of my passion making unimaginable demands on myself and others.  On others I stop thinking and just keep reacting, pushing driving, my battle lines defined by the twenty-three souls that sit at my carpet morning and afternoon.  I have been given one hundred and eighty-six days to change their world and their destiny…there is not one single moment to waste on apathetic routines, or ineffective lessons.

Each day I am brought to my knees at the intimacy of teaching at this level.  Twelve years ago when I taught I had one hundred and fifty students pass through my doors every day.  And for some, I could never know their story…there were just too many.  But I can know twenty-three.  I learn which baby brothers steal toys, swimming lessons happen on Wednesday, and there was chicken for dinner last night.  I celebrate both the loose and wiggly teeth and when one comes out in class, it is carefully placed in a small plastic bag necklace a trophy of growth and development.

I think about them constantly, with obsessive trips to the dollar store to buy yet another puzzle, weekly trips to Lakeshore, and reading and researching best practices.  I search frantically for innovative ideas and motivating materials.  It’s four in the morning and I am taping sticky notes on playing cards, as I struggle to untangle cheap packing tape from itself, I think about the boy who stands just outside my guided math table each afternoon.  He watches that first rotation with anticipation sharing aloud his thoughts, “Oh, I love that game Mrs. Fante, I can’t wait for my turn.”   That afternoon I am rewarded as he rushes to my table and asks if he can stay and play with me until after Christmas.

I reach back to my own memories of what it was like to be six…can my mind go back that far?  I remember the grown-ups.  There was Mrs. Lillabridge.  She was my muse in second grade.  She would pull me aside and whisper in my ear…”You are so smart Amber, you are so smart.” She would never know how her quiet words would be my tinder, sparked into full inferno several decades later.  I share the same secrets with my children, pulling them aside and quietly kindling future fires.  And it is this fuel which returns a rich harvest as I find piles of love notes left on my chair and placed in my inbox each day after Work on Writing.  “How do you spell teacher, Mrs. Fante?”  “How do you spell, best?”  They interupt my reading lesson to ask.  I know I should write the words on the word wall, but in truth, I love hearing them ask.

Is is their kindness and their love for learning, school, and me which continues to consumes my selfish desires.  It speeds my spiritual metamorphisis which the apostle Paul speaks of in Philippians 3:

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I notice that when I smile at others, they respond with almost immediate warmth.   I wonder at this…and then I realize, spirit is starting to show through flesh.  It is as though my outward appearance is becoming more transparent as the flames of my spirit consume me from the inside out.  Some are uncomfortable as I wear the scarlet A of transparency, openly sharing struggles and saddness as well as joy and achievement.    But in truth, the light and heat inside of me pulses with such energy there is simply no turning back…I am another girl on fire.

3 Responses

  1. Catrisha House at |

    You rock Amber!!!

    Reply
  2. M.fante at |

    Andrew Buckman won in the Hunger Games ..twice

    Reply
  3. jessie at |

    I applaud your passion. This is exactly how I felt about coaching. I miss that fire in my life. Those 23 kids are so blessed to have you as their teacher. Bravo Amber.

    Reply

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